Mental and Emotional Exhaustion

For a long time, I assumed that I was just weird. I enjoyed being out and around people, but at times, I would become so overwhelmed with being out and socializing that I would break down into tears.

On the other hand, I really enjoyed time by myself. I could go for a few days without actually talking to other people and that was okay with me. But after a few days of that, I felt like I was going insane.

I think if you were to put a label on it, this would make me an extroverted introvert (people have told me this, I don’t know if it’s a real thing). I like being around people and going out but it has to be on my own terms and I can’t do it more than a day or two in a row.

It took me a while to figure out the healthy balance that I needed to not go insane or breakdown.

This past weekend, I ignored my need for balance and it threw me out of wack for a solid four days.

We had a big celebration for my grandparents’ 60-wedding anniversary (they legit met at a tall persons’ meeting guys…). It was four days in Hocking Hills with 22 of my extended family members.

The weekend was lovely and a lot of fun, but by Sunday night I was a mess. I could feel myself getting angry at stupid things and was on the verge of tears at weird times for literally nothing at all. When we finally got home on Monday afternoon, I could literally feel a panic attack coming on even though nothing specific had triggered it.

Because I could feel it coming, I tried to manage it so I wouldn’t blow up at Nate or burst into tears. I took a shower and started to systematically clean up everything. I unpacked my bag, got things ready for work the next day, cleaned the house.

I tried to do things that made me feel back in control and it worked…kind of.

That same afternoon we went over to my parents to celebrate my sister’s 23rd birthday and after three hours I was hanging by a thread again. I was irritable and on the verge of tears. This meant that we left promptly after all the presents had been opened.

I couldn’t be around more than Nate I second longer and I want to be clear here, it wasn’t not because my family was driving me crazy or anything, they were all fine. I just could not mentally and emotionally deal with more than one other human anymore. I needed time to reset and recharge.

Nate left for Atlanta on Tuesday and I went into work. I was still feeling pretty shitty and not great emotionally so I tried my hardest to just do my work and get through the day without snapping at anyone or crying.

I was not successful.

I texted Nate at lunch asking how the flight was and how his day was going and that I missed him. I felt the waterworks coming and snuck into the bathroom to take a few deep breaths and try to not break down at the lunch table.

That night when I got home I took a long walk and then went to the grocery store to buy myself some dinner.

Never underestimate the power of some good veggies and apparently cottage cheese. Who knew? That was apparently something I was craving.

I woke up and went to the gym as usually on Wednesday morning and was starting to feel a little better. I went through the work day without incident and then got home and was all weepy and upset again. It wasn’t the crushing anxiety attack that I have experienced before. More like the aftershocks of narrowly avoiding said anxiety attack.

I took a bath, cuddled with the cat, and read my book and started to feel better. Nate and I FaceTimed right before I put myself to bed early and I was able to go to sleep feeling way more normal.

Waking up this morning I felt almost like my old self. I am more motivated and feel reenergized. I still feel the raw edges of not being in a great place still. I had to text my little sister and ask if it was okay that I not show up for her pre-birthday celebration tonight so I could be fresh, happy, and back to my old self for the birthday surprise Lizzie and I are treating her to tomorrow afternoon and evening.

I feel terrible about it, but I know that I am still not in a good place and that I need one more day of resetting before jumping back into being social. I am really thankful that she was at least a little okay with it.

The point of me writing this and explain what happened to me is to make sure that other people feel okay acknowledging and recognizing when they need time. We all need time to reset sometimes. And it’s okay to be open about it. It’s okay to saw to someone “Hey, I would love to go out, but I’m not really in a great place emotionally/mentally right now. Maybe in a day or two?”

Take time for yourself to take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone if you are worn down, sad, grumpy, tired, and not your best self. Be direct and honest with yourself and others.

Learning to manage your emotional and mental state isn’t easy. It’s really hard work. Starting to recognize the signs of emotional and mental fatigue are the first steps to being better about managing it.

Take time for you. Be gentle on yourself. Be honest with others and you will be on your way to a better place for you and everyone around you.